Decision Made!

Dear Diary,

Its been awhile since i last wrote. I have finally made my decision after long months of thinking. Im going to accept him. I dont know how it'll go but its worth a shot right? What's life without taking a little risk? I found my eyes glued to him almost all the time. Maybe i do love him afterall. No shock. I dont want to regret letting him go. So, time will tell how it'll end.

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Lately, ive been feeling like a total outcast. No one's there when i need them. I could no longer talk to anyone anymore. I barely talk much anymore anyways. Just another sad story, a sad case. Thats just how my life is; sad. Dont take me for a brag though. Im just saying. I do accept the fate God left me, i really do. But its just that i cant really handle it somehow. Weak, thats just who i am. I just hate the fact that im being pushed around like a puppet. Attached with strings. Afterall, i am human you know.

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Not that im complaining, im just releasing everything that has been boiling inside me. Teachers wont stop bugging me. Wont they just leave me alone?! Homeworks piling up every second. Stress! I hate being hate by teachers but i also hate being liked by them. Why cant they just take me as a normal student? Gosh! Shall i explain further or my weirdness? Well, okay. You see, if you're being hate by a teacher, she'll/he'll be aiming you & shooting you all the time in class. Not only that, she/he might find an excuse to minus your exam marks. My fucking english teacher always had something against me starting from day one. And looked what happened? She gave me a half mark for a 2 mark question in the current examination. My friend, on the other hand from another class, got full marks for that question & my answer was exactly that same as hers. Earlier, i did ask my teacher about that question & she said my answer was not specific enough. Yeah right. Screw her! On the other hand, being liked by teachers is a nightmare as well. You see, if a teacher really likes you, lets say cause you did really well in the examination or something. She/He would have high hopes on you. And everytime in classes, when he/she asked a question, they always expects you to answer it. They'll stare at you, waiting for you to answer. If no one answers, she/he would ask for your opinion and that sucks! When you do not know the answer to it, they'll get all disappointed & gives you the look. Darn them teachers.

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Well, no one said life was fair. Just gotta keep moving on i guess.

Till next time.

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Always love,

unidentified

Confusion

Dear Diary,
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Im stuck in confusion all over again. He still loves me but i have no idea if i love him. His blog says it all. Maybe im just afraid to be in love, maybe im afraid that someone loves me. I dont know. I feel cold & icy. Not knowing what to do. I dont want him to wait but i also want him to wait. Half of me says i still love him but the other half says another different story. What shall i ever do?

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Maybe he and i are better off friends. Maybe not. No one but myself could only help me from this situation. To accept or not to accept. Im afraid if i accept, it might jeopardise my studies and im also afraid that he might get jealous easily. Thats what im afraid of. And im also afraid of heart break. It might jeopardise our friendship as well. So many risks need to be taken. Im not sure if i can handle them risks.

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Maybe i should let faith decide. If we were meant to be, faith will bring us together. If not, its best we stay friends than not at all. Moreover, there wont be much freedom for me when im in a relationship. I'll be like chain to a dog collar or something.Im so confuse & lost. Yes, he is fun to talk to and to be with, but im just not sure if he's the one. Thats why sometimes i prefer to like and not to be liked, if you get what i mean. Its easier that way. Rather than to be in a situation like this where you know the person likes you as that certain person has already confess to you.

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I just prefer to be single at times. Like to do whatever you like or wish. To be free. Sometimes i feel like i wanna be single for the rest of my life. Only having my gurlfriends, no one else besides my family of course. But i know that one day, for sure i'll find someone. Still, that doesnt solve my problem now. Let faith decide it is. I give it all to God to decide. Till then.

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Always love,

unidentified

Awful Year Ahead

Dear Diary,

So, life hadnt been turning out 'great'. Of course it hadnt. Geez, what was i thinking? Life from the start of the year 2008 has never been great. Grounded to the ground. I'm ban from everything! Mum says if i do not get good results for my first term, im like ban from seeing my friends. How lame & stupid is that? That is impossible & unfair. I've been already punished enough. I dont even see much of my friends anymore. And she says she wants to ban me? I would LOVE to see her try.

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Not only that. If my grades dont go up, im even ban from any activities in school. Meaning i cant attend any club meetings or whatsoever. She's gonna take everything i have left from me. Like they all say, 'life is unfair'. It's been living hell for me. And its gonna last for 2 very long years. Kill me.

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But i found a solution on how to see my friends again. Well, this year, since S was separated from me, we found a solution to our problem. We both joined the same club, uniformed club & sport club. So, if there is any meeting or activity, we would be together. S is like my soul sister. I can never live without her! So, this year, i would be really busy & active in sports & clubs. It's gonna be a great year, not including the fact that im alone most of the time & in the same class with those drop-outs.

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One thing i hate about those drop-outs is that they are total copy cats. They copied all my homeworks, they copied all my answers. That really annoys me. And they have no manners at all! Not even abit. Especially the Indian girls. Dont call me racist cause what im saying is a fact & the truth. I loved them Indian girls in my old class. They were so filled with life & adorable. Little sweethearts they are.

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Cant wait till the torture ends. Teachers are beginning to like me & that annoys me too. I dont want anyone thinking im proud or smart. I hate it when that happens. I'm to say a humble person? Well, i dont know. Im pretty vain at times but since im in that forsaken class, i rather be humble & mind my own business. Really hope things turn out better. At least better. A little better.

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Always love,

unidentified

Sucky 1st FEW days of school

Dear Diary,

As obvious as it seems, school has already started. Sure, enough like my prediction, i had the worse days of my life! Even the first day was a nightmare to me. Its like walking to your own funeral. I was in fact placed in a very good class & i mean VERY GOOD! But then, mum thought i wouldnt be able to keep up with the tough subjects they have in store. She said she doesnt want to make another mistake like she did to my sister when she allowed my sister to proceed in the class she was situated into. So, just cause of mum's decision, she asked me to transfer to the 2nd lowest class! What the fuck right?

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It was like dooms day for me. I was devastated to the max. I was immediately separated from my friends. Especially me best friend! Now, im in the 'drop out' class with no friends or whatsoever. I actually find it hard to concentrate in that class, due to the amount of noise those 'drop outs' make. I was about to lose my mind. The only thing i could do when there isnt any teacher around is to draw. I drew afew stuff on those few days. I was bored to death!

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Moreover, i couldnt really concentrate much on my studies euther. But, in this case, it is due to the lousy-slash-boring teachers i got. pffts! And they call themselves teachers. Well, not all teachers that taught me are like that. Only a few arent though. The worse still is my English, Science & Moral teacher. Too boring to handle.

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Firstly, English teacher was like friggin lousy at english. Though she speak 'okayy' english, her grammar sucks! For instance, today i had english class. We were doing grammar today(present tense). There was this sentence, 'Nobody _____ to be criticised.' Well, obviously the word in the blank should be, 'likes'. But my dork-of-a-teacher said the answer was 'like'. The word 'nobody' is singular, NOT plural! Wut the hell?! I told her the answer was 'likes' & she said i was wrong? Fuckerr! & she call herself an english teacher. pffts, pfftss, PFFTSS!!!

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There this other sentence, 'It _____ her almost an hour to write a letter'. Yet again, the obvious answer is 'takes' but once again, the 'too-smart' teacher insisted it was, 'take'. Again, she corrected my 'imperfect' grammar. What a loser! Another thing is that she talks to us as if we were complete retards, but i cant blame her on that though. I feel like im the only smart one around. Serious. No one there could speak proper english. Tsk tsk tsk.

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Anyways, moving on. Science teacher was also another loser case. Science, as we all know is written in english now adays. So, we learn science in english. Teacher would speak both english & bm in class. That is understandable as mostly everyone couldnt understand english. The problem is that she speak more bm that english. Today i understood her reason. It was obvious that she sucked at english. The way she pronounce the english words are awfully, entirely WRONG! Goshh!! Was like laughin my arse off! It would be even better if my friends were there. We would be cursing, criticizing and laughing our arses off! Miss those days/moments.

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Moral teacher next. Ive got nothing to complain bout this teacher actually. Just that she's boring & she bores me. And she's like friggin fierce. Life is so hard without my friends. Without them, life is dull & boring for me. School sucks without friends.

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Always love,

inidentified

Cheers 2008!

Dear Diary,

Its already 2008. Funny, how time flies. Cheers to the new year. Speaking of cheers, its S's birthday today. Cheers to you S. Looking forward to celebrate your Sweet 16 with you. Have a great one babe! You've earned it! Enjoy & party. Congrats to S btw, who's about to get a drumset finally. You go girl!

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A new beginning awaits me. A new joruney. A new adventure. Terrified & afraid but excited. Forward & onward. Just keep moving along the narrow & rocky road. Looking up to God always. Wise words from N,

"God gives us a task just to test us and allow things to happen. But if He sees that we cannot handle it, He would push that task away and give us a new one. He would never place a task on us that we cannot take."

Thanks for the words of encouragement, N.

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Happy 2008! Let's party!

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Always love,

unidentified

Breakdown

Dear Diary,

The truth revealed itself last Thurday. Devastating news. Disappointing results. Got screwed by mum hard. Thought i could have done better. Maybe i didnt give in my best. Got myself grounded. Just wished i had done better. No one said i didnt try. I did try my very best! Was nervous when i went to take my resutls. Just another disappointment.

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I screw up big time but no fails of course. If there is a fail, my head will already be chopped off. When school reopens, no internet for me. Mum makes the rules, not me. Devastated. How could i possibly live without internet or friends? Sad isnt it? Gotta work harder starting from next year onwards. (right..thats what i always say)

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New year's eve. Spending New year's eve alone, at home. Whereas, all my other friends are spending New year's eve together. Nothing to be shocked of. Almost all the guys i know got straight A's. Some got 6 A's 1B. Still its already good enough. Im practically the lousy loser among them all.

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I'll try looking forward for a change. Thanks C for the comforting conversation. Really helped me alot. =)

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Always love,

unidentified

Christmas 2007

Dear Diary,
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.....Had a wonderful Christmas this year. Had a Christmas bbq party with my family on christmas eve & went out with my friends on christmas day which was yesterday. I had tons of fun this year. We exchanged presents & a few people bought me presents. As guilty as i am. I had been a great year so far. Been out alot this year, the most! Other years back, i would only go out at least 10 times with my friends in a year. How sad is that? Well, at least this year, i went out more often.

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This year is the best so far. Heart my friends. You guys are always the best! We shared numerous memories together & the year has finally come to an end. Well, not yet, but soon. Its a shame that it all had to end so soon. If only this year could just repeat itself over & over though this year was the most stressful & difficult year. We've gone through PMR, the stress & also the arguements & fight that interupted our friendship. But we made it through it all didnt we? Friends do fight once in awhile, thats why its called friends. True friends do fight once in awhile unlike fake friends who doesnt fight at all. Thats not what i call a friend.

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I'll always cherish this year. A very special year. Next year, everything will be different. More different that you think. Though we're friends & probably are gonna stay that way till graduation or till the end of our lives. Still, it'll probably be difficult for me as i'm gonna be separated from my friends. At least my girlfriends. I'm gonna miss them much! All of my friends are taking Science, while i'm the only one taking up Arts. I'm gonna be with different people, people i dont really know & im afraid that we'll all be busy with form 4 & wouldnt have the time to hang out or just chill & chat.

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As they are taking up Science, they have Chemistry, Physics & so on. That means that they'll be busy with tuitions almost everyday & also with school activities. I'll be the only one free most of the time & they wouldnt have the time to even talk. Its sad to see that happen. I'm afraid of the future. I dont wanna go forward, just backwards. Impossible? I know. I'm sure i'll be lonely the moment school starts. No friends by my side, no one to talk to, no one to joke with. Sounds tragic doesnt it? What would i ever do without friends? I dont know & i dont wanna find out.

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Hopefully, it wouldnt be as bad as i thought i would be. Hopefully, its the opposite from what i think. Hopefully, next year would be better than this year. Pray, thats what i'll do. If things dont turn out smoothly, i would still have God at least. I know Christmas just passed but i would like to make a wish if i could. Just one last one. Only one. Christmas wishes do come true dont they? Not all the time but at least there is still a slight chance. Thats good enough for me. A little faith wont hurt. Wishes.

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Always love,

unidentified